


Of Purple Eyes and Wheelchair Ramps

by CloudCover



Series: All in a Day’s Work: The Adventures of Chuck the Metaphysical Bureaucrat [1]
Category: The Two Princes (Podcast)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chuck the Metaphysical Bureaucrat, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudCover/pseuds/CloudCover
Summary: Rupert and Amir are so excited to be building their very own castle - but did they apply for the necessary permits?I’m ret-conning this after season 3 dropped. Imagine the OC has a Scottish accent now. For reasons.#ScottishDudeIsChuck !
Relationships: Prince Amir/Prince Rupert (Two Princes Podcast)
Series: All in a Day’s Work: The Adventures of Chuck the Metaphysical Bureaucrat [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827958
Comments: 7
Kudos: 13





	Of Purple Eyes and Wheelchair Ramps

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure crack. I'm sorry.
> 
> Thank you to  
> PandaPantsLuvsU for being my beta! Their stories are incredible! Be sure to check them out too :)

Rupert was practically giddy. He couldn’t help but open the blueprints again and look back out at the construction site. They had already started to place wooden frames where they would be building the stone castle walls and it was incredible to see how exactly it matched to the plans he held in front of him. Plans he and Amir came up with. Plans for his very own castle. With his very own husband (after the wedding of course). In his very own kingdom. If you had told him just one month ago as he sat alone, a prisoner in his bedroom, that this would be his life now he would have thought you were crazy.

“Hard to believe isn’t it?”

Rupert jumped at the sound of his fiancé’s gentle voice as he came up behind him and put a hand on his hip. Rupert smiled up at Amir and tucked himself into the other prince’s side.

“I can’t believe it Amir. Just look! The Heartland!” he gestured out broadly at the busy construction site, the small but growing camp springing up around it, and the beautiful countryside that surrounded the whole place. “This will all be ours! We get to be in charge. We get to make the rules. We get to say what goes.”

Amir squeezed Rupert close. “We’ll learn from the mistakes our fathers made and make it a good and kind and just kingdom. And in six months when this castle is complete…” Amir turned Rupert in his arms to look down lovingly into his eyes.

Rupert looked back with all the love and adoration in the world “In six months?” Rupert coaxed with a smile, knowing exactly what would happen in six months.

“In six months, I’m going to marry you and we’ll be kings – together.” Amir finished, pushing a lock of Rupert’s curly hair off his forehead and tucking it behind his ear.

Rupert closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

“Ahem. Your Highnesses?”

At the sound of Joan’s approach Rupert’s eyes flew open and Amir lowered his hand, but they had gotten better at not reflexively jumping apart when caught in an affectionate moment. When Rupert saw the look of worry on Joan’s face, however, he stepped out of Amir’s embrace so they could give their head knight their full attention.

“Sir Joan! Is everything alright?”

“Please excuse the interruption Your Highnesses, but there’s a bit of a… situation. It doesn’t _seem_ to be an emergency, but no one’s quite sure what to make of it.”

Rupert felt Amir tense up next to him, his fiancé’s hand moving closer to the hilt of his sword. “What do you mean?” Rupert asked before Amir could start assuming the worst. “What’s going on?”

“Well,” Joan said, looking out toward the construction site, “there seems to be a… well some sort of strange… _man_?” Joan hesitated on the last word, but quickly continued, “… wandering around and asking people questions.” As she spoke her eyes quickly scanned over the area, looking for something amongst the rubble and chaos of the construction zone.

Rupert and Amir looked at each other, confused. “I don’t understand,” Amir started. “Strange in what way? Asking questions about what? Is he a threat? Is he a spy from another kingdom?”

Rupert patted Amir’s arm, succeeding at temporarily calming the other prince. If Joan didn’t seem panicked, no use in panicking. Right?

“He doesn’t seem to be threatening, really, he’s just… Ah, there!” Joan pointed to a cluster of workers some distance from where they stood, who were all focused on one small man standing amongst them. The man was pointing to various things, saying something to the workers (who were then presumably replying), and then writing something down on a very thin, rectangular piece of wood that he held in his other arm.

As Joan and the princes watched, the man appeared to ask another question, to which the workers all responded by turning and pointing up to where Rupert and Amir stood, overseeing the whole thing from across the large area. The man nodded to them, shook a few hands, and started to walk over. His progress across the site was slow as he stopped in places to inspect one thing or another and make another note on his strange wooden tablet before casually making his way closer to Joan and the princes. This gave Rupert plenty of time to examine him, even if it was from a distance.

The first thing Rupert noticed about the man was what he was wearing. Over the top of his otherwise un-notable attire he wore what could only be described as a flimsy but violently orange vest, marked in places with some sort of iridescent silver paint. Rupert had never seen anything like it in his entire life and wondered where this man had come from. It certainly was not something that he had ever seen worn by a citizen of the West or of the East. Was this garment typical of people in another kingdom? Did they have a special secret to dying fabric in such a bold and vivid hue? What sort of magic had been used to create the eye-catching luster of the silver paint?

As he drew closer, Rupert’s attention flitted briefly over the man’s stout stature and his thick bristly mustache, to rest in shock and further curiosity on his subtly pointed ears and bright purple eyes. He could see now why Joan had hesitated on the word “man” when trying to describe this person. From his ears and eyes it wasn’t clear if he was a human at all.

Who was this person and why had he come here? His overall demeanor did not convey any sort of hostility, but Rupert could tell he was not a man that should be crossed. That being said, he seemed almost… bored. Like this was the hundredth castle-building site in a brand-new kingdom on ground that had only just recently hosted a sentient forest he had seen this week, and nothing could phase him.

When the man was finally close enough and had turned his full attention on approaching the princes Amir stepped forward to address him. “You sir! Halt and state your business! You have entered the future site of the castle of the Heartland and I-”

“Woah, woah, woah. Hold your horses there, kiddo.” The man held up his hand and continued to walk towards them. Amir bristled. “Yah, there’s no permit on file for any of this. Who’s the general contractor on this whole uh, “ _castle project_ ” here?”

Rupert was caught off guard by the man’s unfamiliar nasally accent, and barely noticed Joan as she determinedly stepped in between the princes and this strange purple-eyed man who continued his approach unfazed.

“Ope!” said the man as his path was suddenly blocked by Joan’s unyielding frame. “Yeah, lemme just sneak by ya real quick.”

Rupert couldn’t decide if the man was being brazen, oblivious, or both as he casually stepped around Joan to address the princes.

Amir started to draw his sword, but the man seemed to remember something and turned back to Joan, who looked just as shocked as Rupert was.

“Hang on, you’re Joan, right?” the man asked.

“Uh, yes?”

“Yah, I thought you might be. I have this note here for ya.” He turned his attention to the piece of wood he was holding, and Rupert could now see that it wasn’t _just_ a piece of wood, it was a rectangular board that had several pieces of paper all attached at the top with some kind of large metal clip. The simple genius of the design fascinated Rupert as the man rifled through the different papers he had organized there until he found the one he was looking for. He somehow pulled it from the clip without disturbing his other papers and held it out to Joan.

Joan glanced toward the princes in confusion before tentatively taking the note. As she read it her face quickly morphed from uncertainty to shock and finally to distress. “ _CECILY_!” was all she gasped before she rushed off, leaving the princes alone with the strange man.

“Um, I’m sorry, but what just happened?” Rupert asked.

“What was that that just you gave to our knight? Where is Lady Cecily?” Amir demanded.

The man chuckled to himself, “Eh, don’t worry about it. Everyone’s fine. It’ll make more sense once you start season two.” Amir and Rupert looked at each other in confusion, as the man’s relaxed demeanor turned pensive. “Actually, come to think of it, it isn’t quite clear if you boys were ever really aware of that fun little sub-plot. Huh!” The man scratched his chin, considering whatever non-sensical thoughts must’ve been running through his head for a moment before getting back to his point. “Anyway, yah, I’m sorry to tell ya that what ya got going on here,” he gestured generally around at the construction site and the camp, “is just not up to code.”

“What?” both princes stammered, baffled by the entire situation.

The man sighed, launching into a speech that he had clearly given many times before “Building code! Zoning! Permits! Ecological survey! Archaeological assessment!” He prodded decisively at several small brightly colored pieces of paper that seemed to be haphazardly affixed around the edge of his board. Rupert was momentarily distracted by the way the little papers fluttered in the breeze but didn’t come loose, pausing to wonder for the umpteenth time where the little man had come from when he was brought back by the sound of the man’s knuckles rapping smartly on the clipboard. “Come on boys! Are you building a castle here or playing in the sand? Let’s just go through these one by one, shall we?” he said, again gesturing at the strange little papers.

Amir straightened up “Listen pal, I don’t know who you think you are, but we-”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake of course.” The man stuck out his hand genially. “The name’s Chuck. Chuck The Metaphysical Bureaucrat,” Rupert and Amir tentatively shook his hand, bewildered as he chuckled and continued, “and jeez Louise what ya got here is a whole heap of citations, let me tell ya.”

“It’s so nice to meet you… Chuck?” Rupert started. “But there really must be some sort of mis-understanding, you see Amir and I are the princes - well soon to be kings - of this kingdom and we-”

Chuck shook his head with a disappointed tut. “Now if I had a copper for every time I’ve heard that… it doesn’t matter if you’re the kings of the whole kingdom for cryin’ out loud!” He chuckled again.

“Yah, but we actually-” Amir tried.

Chuck continued on, unhindered, “The rules’re the rules. I don’t make ‘em, I’m just here to make sure they’re being followed.”

“I see, but who exactly-?” Rupert started.

Chuck’s suddenly serious face quieted both of the prince’s protests instantly. “Now, I need to see that you’re making a good faith effort to fix these here citations or I’m going to have to put a hold on this whole enterprise and issue you a ticket.” He rapped his clipboard sternly, and then looked around again with a start. “Well just hang on now. Ya know, now that I’m looking, I don’t even see a city hall anywhere here…” With a few more tuts and another disappointed shake of his head Chuck started writing on a new piece of small colorful of paper before somehow affixing it to the side of the clipboard along with the others. “All kingdoms must have at least one city hall. Where do you expect ticketed citizens to go to plead their cases? That’s another citation for ya.”

Rupert could practically feel Amir fuming next to him. He looked nervously between the two, trying to think of a way to get them out of this conversation before things took a turn. Chuck was clearly oblivious to the rage that was about to boil over in his fiancé, and starting a fight with a strange emissary was not the way he wanted them to start their legacy as the first rulers of the Heartland.

It was at that moment that Rupert spotted help from over Chuck’s shoulder. Lord Chamberlain walked by with a small group of people who Rupert recognized as architects and designers. He looked over, somehow sensing the young man’s distress. Chamberlain and Rupert locked eyes briefly before he noted the man standing with them and sighed with a rare small smile as he made his way over to the trio.

“Ah, Lord Chamberlain!” Rupert started, hoping to draw Amir’s attention away from Chuck’s tapping pencil and impassive face.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Amir who ended up distracted. At the mention of their advisor, Chuck startled and turned his head to mark Chamberlain’s progress as he moved toward them. He looked almost amused, with a softness to his eyes that wasn’t there before as the older man passed him to stand with the two princes.

There was an odd tension in the air, like someone had told a joke that only half of the listeners understood, as Rupert opened his mouth to try to explain the situation to the newcomer. Before he could start, however, Chamberlain sighed again and looked down at Rupert, no longer smiling but his eyes glowing with an uncharacteristic warmth, “In my experience,” Chamberlain began in his quiet voice, “it is best _not_ to argue with Charles. He will get his way one way or another.”

“Lord Chamberlain, you can’t be serious.” Amir countered, still angry.

“I’m afraid I am quite serious, Your Highness,” Chamberlain confessed calmly before turning his attention fully on Chuck. Not a word was said between them as they locked eyes, unblinkingly, faces as blank and quiet as stone. Rupert hazarded a glance at Amir to see that the other prince was just as unnerved as he was, but the silence was broken by a loud laugh-turned-snort from Chuck whose face had broken into a grin before he was able to school it again.

“Tell ya what,” Chuck said, serious again but with mirth sparkling from his eyes as he let his gaze drop back to the two princes. “Don’t let anyone back at the head office know about this…”

 _Head office?_ Rupert and Amir both mouthed to each other.

“… but I’ll let you boys off the hook on some of these. You be sure to keep all permanent structures more than 50 feet from any body of water, limit buildings to three stories maximum, and make sure every premises is ADA accessible (or I guess that would be HDA accessible here, eh?) and I’ll wave the archaeological assessment” He removed one of the colorful papers with a flourish. “And give you… let’s see…” He tapped his chin with his pencil, thinking aloud. “Earlier in this fic you guys implied that it would be an additional six months until the castle was built (no doubt sending our fine reader here into a fit wondering if the author is even a real fan of this podcast or what), and it’s already been one month since the kiss in the Hollow so… I’ll give you a two-month construction permit. That should slot this little crack-fic into the canon plot nicely.” He chuckled again to himself.

“Wait, you mean we have to finish construction in two months?!”

“You betcha!” Chuck said cheerfully, oblivious to the princes’ panic. “Now!” He continued genially, throwing an arm over each prince’s shoulder as he started to lead them down into the construction site. “Let me introduce you boys to the fascinating world of tenant rights laws.”

Rupert looked back over his shoulder to see Lord Chamberlain wearing what could only be described as a smirk on his face, although Rupert could not remember ever seeing one there before in his entire life. Chamberlain caught Rupert’s eye and his face went back to neutral as he gave the prince a small nod. Rupert, resigned to his fate went along with his fiancé and this strange purple-eyed man blathering on about sanitation and unions with more questions filling his head than he thought he would ever be able to answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for indulging in this OC with me.  
> Also thanks to the Two Princes Discord server for running wild on Chuck's character design and backstory with me. Y'all are incredible <3  
> Come join us if you want to yell about these cute princelings: https://discord.gg/Hf5MZbB


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